Published Date: February 3 2012, Cracked.com

The Clash tricked their label into letting them record a double album, Trent Reznor told his fans to steal his albums while Mick Jagger decided to discuss the finer points of sodomy, on tape, all to get back at record company heads they saw as being interfering dicks, or something like that. Anyway click below for the fully punctuated article.

The 6 most elaborate f-yous from musicians to the industry

For more Cracked related informative hilarity, click, the 5 most horrifyingly wasteful film shoots or 5 sexual innovations from people in your history text books or just go here where Cracked has helpfully put all my articles together on one easy to scroll page.

Dalglish hears for the first time that the Andy Carroll fee wasn't the £3.5m he'd originally authorized

With ten minutes to  go at the Reebok Liverpool were trailing by two goals against a side in the bottom three with one of the worst home records in the league. You’d expect some kind of onslaught, a peppering of the Bolton box perhaps or at the very least a few speculative efforts from Steven Gerard. None were forthcoming. Liverpool gave up.

The result followed a  no-score draw with Stoke and an embarrassing turnaround against Man City. The only bright light was a 1-0 backs-to-the-wall victory over the Manchester side. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. This time last year The King had just returned and with it the sort of football Liverpool haven’t consistently tried to play for over a decade and at times – like in the 5-2 hammering of Fulham – they looked like the Liverpool that fans keep reminding us they used to be.

The squad was still short, though. They needed some width to supply Andy Carroll, they needed some defensive cover for the increasingly creaky Jamie Carragher and they needed some more creativity in midfield. All these issues were addressed in the summer and some people were even tipping Dalglish’s new look Liverpool for a tilt at the title. And why not? Manchester United were a team in transition who seem completely incapable of understanding that top teams cannot operate without a midfield, Man City were a highly paid team of strangers, while Chelsea decided to address their aging squad by taking the unusual approach of appointing an incredibly youthful manager instead of buying younger players.

Liverpool, at the very least, should be able to hang on to the short strings of these teams for much of the season, even if a title tilt seemed a touch beyond them. Of course,  anything was possible with the King in charge.

And the £10m set-piece ability of Charlie Adam - who no longer takes the set-pieces

Then the season started. First up was Sunderland and Liverpool were brilliant. They tore into a ragged Sunderland side and but for some profligate finishing would have been much more than 1-0 up at the break. Stewart Downing was excellent that day, Jordan Henderson was neat and tidy and Luis Suarez was his usual energetic buzz-saw self. At least they were for forty five minutes. The second half they were awful. Disjointed, lose in possession and seemingly totally lacking in fitness; they were lucky to get away with a draw. And that’s been their season ever since. Occasionally excellent if wasteful in front of goal, often missing a creative spark and increasingly lacking in confidence, they’re a team who look out of sorts and worse, even leaderless.

There’s been some good performances (Chelsea away, United at home) bad performances (Tottenham Bolton away, Swansea at home) but mainly there’s been mediocre performances, 100 million pound should buy you a little more. Of course, football has the ability to change in an instant and two convincing wins in the coming week against the two Manchester teams would go a long way to lifting the air of doom around Anfield but the problem is not the games against the better sides it’s the ones against the smaller clubs.

In that wonderful way inferiority complexes work, you try that bit harder against teams you’re worried you’re not as good as, not because it’s your job as a professional to give your all but because you play for a club who are desperate to prove that they’re are still one of the big boys, that they can still compete against the best teams in the world and that their glorious history is not a noose around their neck but a signpost to what’s just up ahead.

Luck has played its part bemoan a lot of fans. Bolton weren’t lucky, though and that’s the hardest part of it. Liverpool are a once great side surrounded by the decaying remnants of their own history. It’s in their famous ground, now too small to compete with the other top sides in the league, it’s in their trophy cabinet that is fuller than any other side in England but which hasn’t been re-stocked in five years and it’s in the dugout in the guise of their manager and greatest ever player. It’s everywhere but on the pitch.

Published Date: December 14 2011, Cracked.com

My latest article for the funny folks at Cracked. The 5 most horrifyingly wasteful film shoots is all about some of the awful things the film industry has done down through the years to amuse us, the discerning consumer. It’s got dead horses,  exploded fish and a ruined ecosystem, among other cheerful things.

For other Cracked related business check out 5 sexual innovations from people in your history text books or 6 tricks that let you control animals like the Beast Master.

Published Date: October 28, 2011, TopTenz.net

No one wants to get sick. Only a few of us, though, ever get really serious about guarding against it. For instance, have you ever spent a so terrified of germs you spend the day picking up everything with a tissue? Or taken detailed notes of your flatulence? Or simply retired from human interaction altogether and conversed through letters and the phone because it’s so much more sanitary? Well, the famous folks on this Toptenz list have.

Click below, for stories of celebrity oddness, featuring Florence Nightingale, Charles Darwin and that girl off of Little Miss Sunshine.

Oh, and Hitler.

Top Ten Famous Hypochondriacs

For other list stuff, check out my very uplifting Five Songs With Tragic Back Stories for Gunaxin. It will definitely bring a smile to every twisted psychopath’s face.

Published Date: October 16 2011, Cracked.com

My second article for the fabulous folks at Cracked, 5 Sexual Innovations From People In Your History Text Books, written with Lilian Marx. It’s like an alternative history of the world, with 82 per cent more penis.

Also, check out my first Cracked article, 6 Tricks That Let You Control Animals Like The Beast Master, if you feel like it. It has chickens, YouTube videos and even a comma, or two.

One of my Gunaxin articles, published on October 11, 2011. It’ll definitely bring a smile to your face with its unceasingly upbeat themes of death, murder and suicide.

Get it here, while stocks last.

For other list based madness, check out my first Cracked article: 6 Tricks That Let You Control Animals Like the Beast Master

Published Date: August 30, Leinster Leader

With the rise of the boutique and independent music festivals around the country in the last couple of years, the twin stars of Ireland’s festival circuit – Oxegen and Electric Picnic – have been left to wonder just how much of a market share is left for them.

In the golden days of economic luxury people came to them by the tent full, today though it seems it’s harder and harder to sell people on the more expensive festivals as they seem much happier to head to cheaper alternatives like Indiependance, Body & Soul and Knockanstockan than ever before. Oxegen took a big hit this year with attendances noticeably down but how will the still affectionately thought of Picnic fair?

Last year say the festival scale back slightly while this year for the first time ever single day tickets are available though the suspicion is that the Picnic folk will not be quite so fickle as the Oxegen crowd. Either way time will most assuredly tell and on the lineup side it’s as strong as ever – if quite top-heavy on the legendary/veteran acts, could Bob Geldof be called legendary? – Anyway for those that do make the trip here’s some people who will also be there.

Friday

Day one eases us in nicely. Early on – presumably, because the time break-down has not been released yet – we’ve got the splendid harmony of the Lost Brothers who for those that don’t know them are certainly worth a listen.  Willy Mason of Oxygen song fame will also be around early on and might be worth checking out. Incidentally for those that do remember the song apparently it came out seven years ago, which seems a frighteningly long time ago.

Anyway, back to the lineup. Sinead O’ Connor is always interesting, though, not often for her music anymore while the Rapture will be looking to return to find something of a roll again having stumbled with their last couple of albums.

Then its on to the day’s headliners. Reggae legend, splendid singer and flat-cap wearer Jimmy Cliff will sing his many classics – mixed with a few peace bothering songs no one really wants to hear – with Many Rivers to Cross always one of the highlights at any festival Cliff rocks up to.

Cliff also likes to eat his microphone

PJ Harvey has been winning fine reviews for latest album Let England Shake and it should be interesting to see how she gets on with a big festival crowd without too many radio friendly songs to entertain the non initiated. The same can be said for Interpol, though the Stradbally venue is as good as any a place to try win people round.

Saturday

Day two brings us the indie rock of The Walkmen who are kind of a musical Dirk Kuyt, consistent if rarely spectacular. We also get Public Enemy with the influential rap genius of Chuck D and Flava Flav, who at the very least will repeat his own name over and over again… hopefully all will be sporting giant clocks.

Toots and the Maytals take over the legendary reggae slot from Jimmy Cliff and will probably be equally as crowd pleasing. Death in Vegas should entertain the dance-rock fan crowds while Chemical Brothers will probably close one of the stages with a fine light supported dance-off.

Headlining the night will be Arcade Fire who played what many people feel was one of the finest gigs ever on Irish soil at the festival back in 2005, just before they went all famous and will return to welcoming ground after the very frosty reception they received at Oxegen last year. Although, that might also have something to do with the horrendous weather and a bemused crowd who were really just hoping Jay-Z would come back for another encore.

Sunday

Kicking off Sunday you could do worse than checking out O Emperor’s mid-seventies Band like harmonies which will be somewhat at odds with the energetic skinny jeaned indie of Cast of Cheers on around the same time. James Vincent McMurrow has been winning all sorts of praise for his lovely debut album Early in the Morning which is like an Americana version of Bon Iver. In similar vein – not really – we get the grim death balladry of the Unthank sisters who will perversely lift spirits with their insanely bubbly personalities and fine voices.

They can also rescue anyone drowning in a sea of their own vomit

Bob Geldof will also be there as will Mogwai who are always a pleasure and the Family Stone are one of the more interesting choices of a week filled with people who could be called “veteran.” Although seeing as this is made up of Sly’s kin all of whom aren’t as old as the funkster then that might be an unfair description. Still Sly has been appearing regularly with the group so he might just do a George Clinton and grace the crowd, however briefly, with his presence.

Beirut have been winning all kinds of fans recently what with their splendid music and all. For those not aware of it, it’s a mix of world music and harmony led folk and is really quite splendid. To close off the weekend it will almost certainly be a choice between Pulp and Underworld. Underworld will get everyone dancing and provide a fine show, more than likely in a tent to exacerbate the whole light
experience.

Pulp on the other hand have been out of the game for a while and are a bit more of a mystery but with their terrific back catalogue and hopefully some nice weather – unlike the monsoon which blighted the Sunday night last year – it could well be the show of the weekend.

Leonor Bethencourt Zocorro the Spanish Rose

Published Date: August 20, Leinster Leader

There’s nothing more Irish than the Rose of Tralee. It’s right up there with potatoes and alcoholism as a staple of our cultural heritage. At least some of its appeal is probably built on how it reminds us of old Ireland, it is a snapshot of a country lost, before the boom years, the money and digital TV. It is also sniggered at for much the same reasons, after all aren’t we supposed to have left that Ireland behind and isn’t it just a little embarrassing. What would someone else, someone not from Ireland think about it all?

Gaeilge football has never quite taken off internationally, neither has the modh coinníollach could the Rose of Tralee really entice someone who hadn’t grown up on a strict diet of stew and Peig Sayers?

Leonor Bethencourt isn’t Irish. The actress, director, writer and comedian got her theatre training in Spain and first set eyes on the lovely Rose competition in 1994. She was instantly taken with it.

“I saw a blonde girl in a pink and blue dress. She was playing a wind instrument and was very prim and proper,” says Bethencourt laughing at the memory, “at that time that was all that I aspired to be. It was all my dreams in the one place at the one time.”

From that moment she wanted to be a Rose.

Unfortunately her dreams were quickly dashed. When she moved to Ireland permanently in 1997 she was already married and the rules are very clear about such things. Lovely girls don’t marry. Other criteria include being younger than 28 and until 2008 you were also not allowed have a child, whether married or not.

Bethencourt’s one-sided love affair with the competition would later see her sponsor a girl to vicariously live her dream in the competition, alas she was destined to miss the cut.

So what to do with a head full of knowledge about a competition you seem destined to take no part in? Why not write a one-woman hit comedy show about a Spanish girl’s attempts to be become the Rose?

It’s kind of art imitating life.

“The play is about a Spanish woman, who infiltrates the Rose of Tralee thinking that she has Irish ancestry….it’s fiction verging on autobiography. It was my dream to be a Rose of Tralee but it never happened. I’ll forever be a wannabe”, she laughs.

The show is called Zocorro Rose of Tralee and its star is the Spanish heroine Zocorro who Bethencourt says is trying to save the world…by winning the Rose of Tralee. This might perhaps be puzzling until the actress explains the benefits of winning the competition and it all becomes clear. Sort of.

“If you become a Rose, you are a year in the public eye; making links with local charities, speaking on behalf of minority groups and representing goodness,” she says. “Some people think by doing Big Brother or being a political star you can change the world but really a very direct way of making the world a better place is by becoming a Rose of Tralee.”

As an added perk to saving the world you also get the keys to a Volvo for a year, get dish washer proof silver wear and home wear products and also get to ”visit places like the Grand Canyon, New York, Paris and Longford.”

The show has also taken Bethencourt around the country and in 2010 it found its way to Kerry and on the official program of events for the Rose of Tralee competition. Most of the girls themselves proved to be busy though family and sponsors attended and enjoyed a show that has been nominated for a host of awards in the last few years. Proving that the organisers had either not watched it beforehand or were very easily shocked, the show was stamped with an “adults only” badge despite being nothing of the sort.

Like all good comedy or theatre the subject matter of the Rose of Tralee is just a vehicle for Bethencourt to have a look at an outsider’s attempts to infiltrate Irish life. As Bethencourt say it’s an allegory of a girl trying to be something she will never be.

Just like being a Rose has alluded the actress for all these years. Well up until a recent performance at the Draiocht Arts Centre in Blanchardstown, which had a number of the potential Dublin Roses in the crowd.

At the end of the show the girls took to the stage, sashes and all, and encouraged by an opportunistic photographer presented Bethencourt or Zorcorro with a bunch of flowers and applauded…as if she’d finally won the competition.

At last “all of my dreams came true,” she laughs.

Having perhaps failed to save the world this time around Zocorro will return for further adventures in the future but for now she and her alter-ego are happy saving Ireland, one show at a time.

For other theatre related business check out the interview with Silent star Pat Kinevane here or Jo Mangan of the Performance Corporation here

Standing and sitting and singing

Ireland is awash with all kinds of musical folk. From reggae and soul to pop and even hip-hop we have all manner of marvelous musical mavericks in every corner of the Island and yet few people ever seem to make it past Dublin harbour. From Republic of Loose to Aslan or Paddy Casey building a fan-base outside of Ireland is tough at the best of times. In fact it requires a remarkable amount of effort that few bands seem happy to put in.

Which is understandable when you have people turning up in their hundreds or even thousands in Ireland and one man and his anorak turning up in a tiny pub in Bristol.

The problem for a lot of bands it seems is that they stick around here just a bit too long.

Some Irish groups do get out early though, U2 first toured Europe and the US in the early eighties just a few years after they got together while the Boomtown Rats moved permanently to London in the mid 70s. Conor O’ Brien’s Villagers are attempting to make the transition at the minute, although with limited success.

Tallaght group Stand who will be performing in Kill on Saturday August 20 are another who made the leap early – moving to America in 2000 – and while they never quite equaled the stadium conquering success of Paul Hewson and co it was a decision they never regretted.

“We loved it and being Irish they really welcomed us. They were very very warm,” says bass player Neil Eurelle.

The group started life back in 1994 when grunge was making way for Britpop and hooliganism was still confined primarily to English football stadiums. Their sound is built around the twin-pronged melodic vocals of guitarist Alan Doyle and bass player Neil Eurelle and has grown to encompass lush orchestral arrangements, electronica and dance-floor indie pop. They found early success in Ireland when debut album Correspondent sold about 20,000 copies in 1999.

Things got serious when the US offer came in.

“We signed to an indie label in New York and released the record there and we loved it.” insists Eurelle, “we absolutely loved gigging there.”

The band quickly acquired performance visas, and signed with new management and booking agents. They were ready for the long haul. For the next seven or so years they were predominantly a US based band spending at least eight months of every year in the States touring the lucrative college market.

Three more albums followed with 2009′s Travel Light pushing the group in a slightly more electronic vein. They never quite went stellar though and Eurelle admits that like anyone else who starts a group they did want fame and success but he is also realistic enough to note that to be able to make a career out of music today is something not to be sniffed at. It is hard work though, CD sales aren’t what they used to be and any bands who wants to make a name for themselves are going to have to earn it.

“You have to be smart about it. It is a bit tougher today. Seven, eight years ago you were going out and your CD was selling for 12 or 13 dollars or 16 euros depending on where you are. People were paying the hard cold cash and they were buying your stuff now it’s very hard to sell an artist’s recorded product.”

It all sounds like a long way from the glamour of the sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle they probably all once dreamt of. Though quitting is not something they seem to have put much consideration into.

“At the end of the day you could be working in an office stuck behind a computer screen for eight hours working for somebody else. I’m very happy to be working for myself and doing what I love and being able to pay my mortgage and going around in a nice car.” Though Eurelle does concede that “yeah everything gets you down now and again but you can’t take if for granted either.”

In fact a few years back they all agreed some time off was necessary.

“When we moved home [from America in late 2007] we decided to take a break for about a year.”

Having spent the best part of a decade in the States the group returned to settle permanently in Ireland having family and kids back home. They couldn’t quit for long though.

“We started writing some songs at the end of 2008 because everyone missed it and then we got an invite then from the Goo Goo Dolls in the States. They’ve a beautiful studio in Buffalo New York and they said ‘we’ve heard some of your demos why don’t you come over and work in our studio.’”

The group were given studio time for free and would ultimately end up recording their latest album 100,000 Ways to Harvest Hope there. It would prove the catalyst that the band needed to continue.

After 15 years or so together the group did have one casualty in the guise of former drummer and songwriter Conor Dowling who decided not to continue after the album was finished. Stand will keep going though.

They’ve always enjoyed the road and loved touring and a return to the US is already on the cards in September – they still go back three or four times a year. They’ve also gotten a label for a UK release for the new album and hope to have it out there before Christmas. Having skipped the UK completely the first time around perhaps their experiences of America will help them build a fan-base there the way they’ve built a considerable crowd in America. Hard work certainly won’t bother them.

For more information on the Tallaght group check out Standland.com.

For another Irish act who has toured the world – or at least the US – check out the interview with Paul Brady here.

King Modo headlined the Friday

Music festivals are made up of all sorts of variables. There’s things like, the crowd, the very changeable Irish weather, the security, the location and somewhere on the list, depending on personal taste, the music.

After three days by the Blessington Lakes it was hard to argue that Knockanstockan had been anything but a success on all these accounts, it was even blessed with it’s own fair share of blissful sunshine the one thing the organisers couldn’t really control. It has taken quite the journey to get here though one that included five years of success, failure false starts, fine-tuning and the odd stage collapse.

It all started back in 2007 when a collection of artists known as the Primal Jelly Social Club began knocking around Dublin trying to give themselves and other hard-working bands a shot at making the break in the Irish music scene. Then they decided to put a gig on in Blessington.

It was, as you might expect, a much smaller affair than today’s festival and was hosted in a marquee at the Ballyknockan Inn.  Since then it has moved a half-mile or so up the road and now takes places in a rather splendidly picturesque patch of land by the Blessington Lakes, encompassing three stages and over 100 independent acts.

One of the people playing the first year was Scarecrow Disco band member and Kildare resident Graham Sharpe who has since become one of the main organisers of the event, a group compromising about 15 people year round.  The goals for the festival over the years, according to their website, have included things like bringing musicians together to celebrate their craft, providing a cheap platform for great music and as Sharpe himself adds a wish “to get independent unsigned Irish musicians playing to thousands of people.”

This year it seems these goals were reached as a clearly delighted Sharpe insists he’s “never seen a mass movement of such goodwill. With so many unbelievable people giving up their time to do something special.”

While everything might have went right this year, there are an awful lot of things which can and do go wrong.

Take finances for instance. The Arts Council while financing many other events around the country has never given the festival a cent. After five years of asking, IMRO offered them a €1,000 grant which they “flat out refused” taking it as something of an insult. The lack of support is something Sharpe fails to understand perhaps stretching for a reason when he says:

“It might be a bit of bewilderment and fear.” adding that “I’ve never been at a festival like it, the crowd were unbelievable, the music was unbelievable, the people who gave up their time for free were unbelievable.”

It is clear Sharpe is frustrated by the lack of industry or government support but can, with some defiance, point to the fact that for the first time ever it looks like the festival has made something of a profit. Not that they’ll be getting rich off it. Whatever money is left over will go to pay off the festival’s debts from previous years.

If financial support is somewhat lacking public support is not with volunteers flooding the pastoral landscape over the weekend including some already with tickets simply wondering if they could lend a hand.

Dave Curran was one such philanthropic member of the public who having just returned from Hungary the night before was delighted to help despite knowing not anyone there. It was his first year but many return year after year.

“A lot of the volunteers have been involved for a few years and they love it, they really put a lot of work in and do long shifts and pretty boring stuff as well.”

This ranges from checking wrist bands to watching the car park in six or seven hour shifts but there were few complaints from any of the crew many of whom it seems will return as long as the festival is going.

Their co-operative nature and openness marks festivals like this out from money-making behemoths like Oxegen. Once the artist’s finish playing they go into the crowd and watch the other acts, many of the organisers are musicians themselves and everyone offers their time for free.

Perhaps nothing better demonstrates the difference between smaller festivals like this one and with their mainstream cousins than the case of Dublin group Halycon Daze. The group drove from the city in the middle of the night and arrived at the festival around 5am in the morning and despite not being on the bill set up their very own personal stage amounting to two car batteries and a pallet.

What any major festival would have made of this is hard to judge but you can be sure they wouldn’t have rewarded them with the first confirmed slot for next year’s festival as the good folks at Knockanstockan did.

Sharpe is the chief music booker and must get the right balance in the amount of acts playing. Book too little and your public feels short changed too many and it becomes an administrative nightmare something that actually did happen at Knockanstockan in 2009, though the horrendous weather didn’t help either.

With over 600 submissions to pick from Sharpe had quite a bit of quality to choose from. Though the process can be tough and is not without arguments.

“The first 50 slots are really easy to fill because there’s always more bands deserving of places than there are slots. The last ten are just impossible.  It causes crazy amount of arguments and fights between those of us who pick the line-up.”

But choose it they did and with a fine collection of musical artistry including many Kildare natives like Sive, Fox E, King Modo and Ross Breen no one was complaining about their choices.

With their most successful year to date behind them the temptation is always to grow, to perhaps go for extra stages or more bands playing. Sharpe though echoing the sentiments of many of the volunteers who worry that ambition could damage the atmosphere and good-will the festival has built up would clearly take 2011′s vintage any year.

“We’re happy with everything. That’s Knockanstockan now.”